lost

It's as if the entire world was blowing past me at light speed while I stand with my right foot on top of my left foot, hands in my pockets, arms straight with my eyes wide and in wonderment. I can't keep up with all of this. I want a break but can't get one. I wish it was sunny and summer again. Everything was easier then.

I wish you'd get it.

I think i'm a little bit, a little bit, a little bit in love with you..

Changes

I would say that this has been officially a week of bizarre dealings. In fact, within it, my life has flipped and reverted to older ways.

It was pretty unclear how my future was going to span out, but I think I know what I want to do, how to do it, and why I should do it. I want to be so successful that I'm going to rub it into your face. I mean.. not in a mean way.. just in a.. "hah" kind of way. Just kidding, sort of.

Occasionally, I think of the people that hurt you in life and whether or not we're truly okay after and if you can wholly forgive them. I see it as you're driving in a car on a road that was smooth and great when all of a sudden, these workers come out and start drilling holes into the road and you feel the steering wheel go out of control. It's hard to control, your hands become numb trying to keep it back into place. The only way you can get through this part of the road is to grip the wheel tightly, turn up your music, and go with the roughness. I love my friends. They're so good to me. I think I've been trying to compartmentalize aspects of my life, but I really want everyone to know everyone and for my Kenyon friends to know my Lafayette friends and for us to all cuddle together. ALLISAHN YOU MOTHER FUCKER COME BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK.

In one week, my heart hit rock bottom, but I was fished back out by my loved ones. Obama is our president. Who would've fucking thought. Not to say that our country will immediately change, but wow, maybe the concept of theories and ideologies will return. What happened to our great orators? I digress. But best friends make sure that you're okay and call you to tell you funny things. New friends make you laugh and make drinking fun. Refound friends are the best and remind you of all the great things that you've missed. I miss the idea of not caring about anything, but we can't really do that. There's so much to care about in the world that it hurts.

But I guess, it's better to not care about you, not right now..

"I saddled up my pony right
And rode into the ghostly night
It was wide, wide open, wide, wide open

I left the only home I knew
I stayed alive and I found you
Now I take you where the water's deep
And make the air you breathe so sweet

But is it not enough to be complete? Please?
Let me give you everything you need, please?

We found a way, we found a street
Directions sweat under the sheets
And I let you have it, let you have it

But it can be a lonely place
Desire comes, desire fades
There's a bright one caught your fancy eye
It's okay so long as you stay mine

And I'm so number one that it's a shame, a shame
That you let other numbers in the game

Now I suffer for your hungry eye
Oh why must it see more than mine?
It's a light you're after, 'cause light moves faster

But when I ride again into the night
My torch will shoot flames strong and violent
And my absence will remind you of
How tough it is to be in love

And it's not what I think it's what you say, hey
And it works great for you to have your way, hey

But if the west can be a desperate place
You search all day for just a taste
Of the cold, cold water, cold, cold water

And if you think i've gone too long
Listen the sky will sing this song
As it burns up all the memories
That flow like water out of me"

I've never been so hurt in my life.

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM!!!!!!

Choosing your battles

For someone as stubborn as me, it's difficult to tell when you should remain steadfast and thick headed about an issue or when you should really just let it go and try to move beyond it. After twenty two plus years, my father and I will always have fundamental differences and I don't think I'll ever be able to understand him. I don't know if it's the artist "crazy" mentality or if it's his complete detachment from reality but he can never think practically. There's not much else I can do but hide inside of myself.

On a another note, I'm slightly confused about my next few years in school. Originally, I was set on museum studies but I'm scared of going into something so specific. This could completely define my future! Scary. But plenty of museum studies/education programs include anthropology and history.  I can't decide if I want to focus more on art or what.  Buuut my undergraduate degree would actually help me if I go the anthropology route.  I just don't know if I want to.  Oh graduate schoolers and those going to be enrolled shortly, tell me how you made the decision please oh please.  Initially, I wanted to apply to Columbia, Univ. of Chicago, and Northwestern.  I've now decided (granted a very early decision) to apply to Brown, Johns Hopkins, and NYU.  We'll see how this all changes.  I guess first step is take the GREs and give my professors advance notice about me possibly asking them to write me a rec.  Baby steps.  

 On the topic of my baby, Kartoshka has been recovering well.  There was a shaky time where she would just lie and shake uncontrollably.  She refused to eat or drink water, but would just lie her head.  This would be normal behavior for a kitten who's just been spayed, but this was after 2 days of her back to normal.  I was so scared.  She usually meows when she's in pain or needs something but she would just lie there helpless with her little shaved belly.  I don't know how actual moms do it when their kids get sick.  As Hanna and I as well as Danielle Stelly and I have been saying, the biological clock is ticking.  So is it true ladies?  Is there some bizarre innate want to settle down and nest?  History hasn't lied, this is about the time where us female folk

should be getting married and getting buns in the ovens, but isn't that frightening!?!??! Tangential mind scare.  I apologize.  

I think I'm full of these, given the time I have to let my mind wander, but don't you sometimes wish Halloween was more than just a reason for us to get drunk and rub up against each other?  I don't know.  I debate on what I should do on Halloween.  Wow, I actually feel old despite my youth. 

This post will be concluded by what my mom has told me about my Chinese horoscope. Apparently, last month and the month prior to that, I've been lost and confused.  Life stood temporarily still and I didn't want to change any of it.  Apparently, according to this month, I've found new motivation.  She said to be careful of others trying to take advantage of me, but to make a plan and stand strong in pursuing it.  December 4th, the day I'm going to take my GREs, is actually my luckiest day.  Do I actually believe this stuff?  I can't help but agree with it a little.  Last two months were hell, but it's gotten better.  Here's to looking to the future.  

Oh and it finally feels like fall.  Yes. 

Something great

This may be one of the coolest things that a friend has shown me:

http://thisissand.com/

Good luck getting anything done with this puppy around.

kenyon in lafayette

Pretty sure this was one of the greatest weekends. Hanna's visit was amazing! Even though I probably miss Kenyon more now, it was definitely worth it. First night in, we had amazing cajun food. Hanna had crawfish etouffee and fried crawfish tails while I had the crabmeat au gratin. Just drool, do it! Gosh. After, we of course experienced the amazingness that is a drive-thru daiquiri. God Bless America, especially Louisiana. Here's the kicker. If you know anything about me, you will know that I love freaking Clamato. Give me budweiser, clam juice, tomato juice, and a splash of lime and I'll dance a little dance. Now, we stopped for me to pick up milk for my mom and a can of Clamato for myself. Later in the night, Hanna tried some and..... LOVED IT! Officially, aside from Mr. Leeds, Ms. Goldberg is the second person to like it! I was so excited about it!

Anyway, Friday was fun. Lafayette has a festival called Festivals Acadiens where we celebrate everything Cajun and Creole. So in the morning, we went to the park where we found out that I was totally wrong and they were only setting up for tomorrow's kick-off in the park. Since we were near campus, we walked through it on our way downtown. Lafayette is basically made up of suburbs with splashes of ghetto and farmland. Downtown, however, is this quaint one street area that is actually worth exploring. We caught some great Caribbean food and drank margaritas and mojitos. After a visit to a boutique, costume shop, and tobacco store later, Hanna and I sat in Parc Sans Souci, cute little area where there's a water fountain coming out of the ground, kind of like the one in Easton where all the kids play. We watched a retro critical mass congregating and little fat kids rolling around the water. It was pretty entertaining. The festival's actual beginning was actual this thing known as Downtown Live, which is basically an excuse for old people with kids to come outside and get drunk from 6 to 8 every Friday. That quickly lost its appeal after the expensive beer, the new age Cajun music, and old folk. We did some more sitting but were persuaded by some friends to go to this sushi place called Bonsai. Great food, just pricey as shit and way too hip for me. The lights were dulled neon colors and the techno music seemed a bit out of place for good ole sushi. Mmmm.. sake! We separated from my other friends and headed home to freshen up.

Maybe what actually made the weekend was video chatting with Mr. Dunford. Hanna and I were talking to Mike when at one point he got up to use the restroom. While Hanna and I were just chatting, his apartment mate walked in completely confused out of his mind. We spent the next hour trying to make funnier faces and scenarios. We captured a few hilarious screen shots. At the same time as this transcontinental communication was occuring, I got a call from Mr. Ivan Gaytan who told me he had just ran into Luke Brandon. Man, talk about Kenyon connection. Made me nostalgic alright. Unfortunately, Hanna left Saturday afternoon, but not before we spent the morning at the park eating all the foods they had to offer: seafood jambalaya, chicken and sausage gumbo, red beans and rice with sausage, crawfish fettucini, etcccccc. It was pretty cute to sit around watching the couples dancing the two step.

Even though it was short, it was great. It was not only refreshing to be hanging out with a girl, but it was a friend who got me outside of high school. It felt like I was acting like myself for the first time in a while. Gosh!

Aside from this, my kitten is about to get spayed and I'm so scared for her. Could you imagine getting fixed? I guess we do it anyway, but when you were 4 to 6 months? I can't. Just feels like such an important alteration, that would be completely life changing. I suppose.

She's the love of my life and cute as hell! And possibly getting a sister... we shall see!

Props to Ivan. He be a genius.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

endings are beginnings too

Hello! Now that I've realized post-graduate life is a bust, I've decided my creativity has reached an ultimate low. What better way to stabilize one's own sanity by trying to reach out to her friends while she's stuck in Louisiana with friends who are suuuper busy. Although, my Lafayette friends are fun as shit. Won't lie.

So what am I doing now... I'm at home and "studying" for my GREs. Real fun... SO if you ever find yourself needing to take a vacation, visit me oh please. Lafayette's pretty. Plus, hurricane season is over! We were hit pretty badly by Gustav, messed up roof, fallen trees, broken fence, and a bit of flooding. The study room smelled like fish for a while, but it's gone now. And everything falls back to normal. The weather is finally cooling down and the sunrises are pretty beautiful.


Life these days are filled with nostalgia and hesitancy. I miss
being out of the States. I miss Kenyon. I miss my friends. I miss certain boys in Russia. I even miss class. I miss it all. Perhaps that's why I'm scared of moving on. Makes a lot of sense right now.

What I can look forward to is Ms. Hanna Goldberg coming to visit! We will definitely be having a blast.

Final thoughts:

1. Palin makes me wish I wasn't a female.
2. Steve Klise is hilarious on video chat.
3. I wish I was still in school.
4. Kenyon friends, have a bake sale to raise money to bring me back!