Changes

I would say that this has been officially a week of bizarre dealings. In fact, within it, my life has flipped and reverted to older ways.

It was pretty unclear how my future was going to span out, but I think I know what I want to do, how to do it, and why I should do it. I want to be so successful that I'm going to rub it into your face. I mean.. not in a mean way.. just in a.. "hah" kind of way. Just kidding, sort of.

Occasionally, I think of the people that hurt you in life and whether or not we're truly okay after and if you can wholly forgive them. I see it as you're driving in a car on a road that was smooth and great when all of a sudden, these workers come out and start drilling holes into the road and you feel the steering wheel go out of control. It's hard to control, your hands become numb trying to keep it back into place. The only way you can get through this part of the road is to grip the wheel tightly, turn up your music, and go with the roughness. I love my friends. They're so good to me. I think I've been trying to compartmentalize aspects of my life, but I really want everyone to know everyone and for my Kenyon friends to know my Lafayette friends and for us to all cuddle together. ALLISAHN YOU MOTHER FUCKER COME BAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK.

In one week, my heart hit rock bottom, but I was fished back out by my loved ones. Obama is our president. Who would've fucking thought. Not to say that our country will immediately change, but wow, maybe the concept of theories and ideologies will return. What happened to our great orators? I digress. But best friends make sure that you're okay and call you to tell you funny things. New friends make you laugh and make drinking fun. Refound friends are the best and remind you of all the great things that you've missed. I miss the idea of not caring about anything, but we can't really do that. There's so much to care about in the world that it hurts.

But I guess, it's better to not care about you, not right now..

"I saddled up my pony right
And rode into the ghostly night
It was wide, wide open, wide, wide open

I left the only home I knew
I stayed alive and I found you
Now I take you where the water's deep
And make the air you breathe so sweet

But is it not enough to be complete? Please?
Let me give you everything you need, please?

We found a way, we found a street
Directions sweat under the sheets
And I let you have it, let you have it

But it can be a lonely place
Desire comes, desire fades
There's a bright one caught your fancy eye
It's okay so long as you stay mine

And I'm so number one that it's a shame, a shame
That you let other numbers in the game

Now I suffer for your hungry eye
Oh why must it see more than mine?
It's a light you're after, 'cause light moves faster

But when I ride again into the night
My torch will shoot flames strong and violent
And my absence will remind you of
How tough it is to be in love

And it's not what I think it's what you say, hey
And it works great for you to have your way, hey

But if the west can be a desperate place
You search all day for just a taste
Of the cold, cold water, cold, cold water

And if you think i've gone too long
Listen the sky will sing this song
As it burns up all the memories
That flow like water out of me"

I've never been so hurt in my life.

FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM!!!!!!

Choosing your battles

For someone as stubborn as me, it's difficult to tell when you should remain steadfast and thick headed about an issue or when you should really just let it go and try to move beyond it. After twenty two plus years, my father and I will always have fundamental differences and I don't think I'll ever be able to understand him. I don't know if it's the artist "crazy" mentality or if it's his complete detachment from reality but he can never think practically. There's not much else I can do but hide inside of myself.

On a another note, I'm slightly confused about my next few years in school. Originally, I was set on museum studies but I'm scared of going into something so specific. This could completely define my future! Scary. But plenty of museum studies/education programs include anthropology and history.  I can't decide if I want to focus more on art or what.  Buuut my undergraduate degree would actually help me if I go the anthropology route.  I just don't know if I want to.  Oh graduate schoolers and those going to be enrolled shortly, tell me how you made the decision please oh please.  Initially, I wanted to apply to Columbia, Univ. of Chicago, and Northwestern.  I've now decided (granted a very early decision) to apply to Brown, Johns Hopkins, and NYU.  We'll see how this all changes.  I guess first step is take the GREs and give my professors advance notice about me possibly asking them to write me a rec.  Baby steps.  

 On the topic of my baby, Kartoshka has been recovering well.  There was a shaky time where she would just lie and shake uncontrollably.  She refused to eat or drink water, but would just lie her head.  This would be normal behavior for a kitten who's just been spayed, but this was after 2 days of her back to normal.  I was so scared.  She usually meows when she's in pain or needs something but she would just lie there helpless with her little shaved belly.  I don't know how actual moms do it when their kids get sick.  As Hanna and I as well as Danielle Stelly and I have been saying, the biological clock is ticking.  So is it true ladies?  Is there some bizarre innate want to settle down and nest?  History hasn't lied, this is about the time where us female folk

should be getting married and getting buns in the ovens, but isn't that frightening!?!??! Tangential mind scare.  I apologize.  

I think I'm full of these, given the time I have to let my mind wander, but don't you sometimes wish Halloween was more than just a reason for us to get drunk and rub up against each other?  I don't know.  I debate on what I should do on Halloween.  Wow, I actually feel old despite my youth. 

This post will be concluded by what my mom has told me about my Chinese horoscope. Apparently, last month and the month prior to that, I've been lost and confused.  Life stood temporarily still and I didn't want to change any of it.  Apparently, according to this month, I've found new motivation.  She said to be careful of others trying to take advantage of me, but to make a plan and stand strong in pursuing it.  December 4th, the day I'm going to take my GREs, is actually my luckiest day.  Do I actually believe this stuff?  I can't help but agree with it a little.  Last two months were hell, but it's gotten better.  Here's to looking to the future.  

Oh and it finally feels like fall.  Yes. 

Something great

This may be one of the coolest things that a friend has shown me:

http://thisissand.com/

Good luck getting anything done with this puppy around.